A Jimbo Slice Movie Review : The Rocker

I’ve been lacking originality lately so I decided to install a little weekly movie review segment. Enjoy.

So what do you do when you’re unemployed, broke & perpetually bored? Besides putting my clothes on backwards and pretending to be a member of Kriss Kross, I decided to watch some free bootleg movies at watch-movies.net. I felt like watching a comedy. Comedies are great because they are kind of like one night stands with middle-aged fat ladies. When they’re good, they’re hilarious. When they’re bad, they’re sometimes even funnier! Remember, comedies can’t give you herpes. Unfortunately they also can’t cook a mean omlette and drive you home in their Ford Windstar either.

Although it bombed in theatres, I thought there could be potential in The Rocker. I’ve enjoyed almost everything I’ve seen of Rainn Wilson (Office, Juno, Almost Famous, Entourage). It also has some pretty damn good depth in the supporting cast (Christina Applegate, Will Arnett, Emma Stone, Jeff Garlin, Jane Lynch). The only problem was that alot of these talented actors weren’t used effectively. Most of the punchlines were delivered by Wilson or Sudiekis. WIlson kind of struggled. Sudiekis knocked them out of the park.

The plot is interesting but predictable. I’m not going to explain the whole thing because that would be BORING, and luckily the good folks at Wikipedia can type better than I http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rocker_(film)

Few Quick Notes on the Film:

Getting Christina Applegate for that role is like buying a Ferrari to pick up a blind chick. Her character was interesting, just didn’t have many opportunities to be funny. Same for Garlin, Arnett, and Lynch. Although somehow Jane Lynch can be funny in anything she does. Shes amazing.

I hate it when movies start out with an extremely unrealistic gag. When Fish finds out he was kicked out of Vesuvius he chases and catches his band members car by foot. I know, suspension of disbelief, but there comes a point where it just becomes insulting to the audience. HE RAN AT 60 MILES AN HOUR TO CATCH HIS BAND!!! Seriously.

Jason Sudekis- Killed it. He had some damn good one liners.

There is alot of spontaneous making-out in this movie. Applegate makes out with Wilson because Wilson’s going crazy. Emma Stone makes out with the fat guy from 21 because he was nervous and never made out with a girl. THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN!!!! I should start telling girls that I’ve never had a handjob before.

Emma Stone is quietly becomming to fat guys what Julia Styles was to black guys. First, she decides to date Seth in Superbad , now she makes out with this kid. If she does a movie where she fucks Louie Anderson, I might actually have a new favorite actress.

By the way, let me just say FUCK suspension of disbelief. We know for god damn sure Emma Stone in real life would not kiss that fat kid. Nor would she do anything with Jonah Hill. So why are we to believe she would on screen? Let me tell you a little something from experience, fat guys usually aren’t rolling in the ladies. We roll in vegetable oil, and cry when we masterbate. We’re just lonely, platonic people.

ANYWAYS…GET TO THE POINT

Overall, I found it to be a movie that was a little lazy, but better than I expected. It did have some witty one-liners and a couple decent physical gags, and a great cast. But it did rip off School of Rock blatantly. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, they had this great cast and didn’t give them anything to work with. I’m glad I didn’t pay 10 dollars to see it, but there are far more worse movies out there to watch.

Loitering, Dewey Decimal Systems, Fat Perverts…Total Nonfiction!

okay, maybe everything except the Dewey Decimal part. Being newly unemployed and in limbo, I have a lot of free time on my hands. Last night, my braindead (but lovable) friend Emil wanted me to take a ride with him to Clifton. Emil has only three things he cares about, The New York Giants, 50 Cent, and The Howard Stern Show. Pretty damn lame. Artie Lange, of Beer League, Boattrip, Supertwink Howard Stern Show fame, was going to be signing autographs there. Artie is promoting a new book. The fact that he’s promoting a book kind of shocks me. He doesn’t come off as completely eloquent. He is a fat, lazy, hooker-loving slob, his demographic is a bunch of fat, lazy, hooker-loving slobs as well. When will his dumb, primitive fans find time to learn to read? 24 hours goes by quick when your eating bananas, throwing feces at your friends, and yelling ba-ba-booey all the damn time!

Anyways, We arrived at the Barnes and Noble in Clifton at around 5:15. He was scheduled to be there around 6. Emil waited in line while I looked around. Barnes and Noble always makes me feel creepy. You can look around and loiter for a long time, and nobody seems to care. But you always kind of wonder if you’re being “that guy”, who just kind of looks at books and doesn’t buy. It’s Kind of like turning over for a happy ending at a Massage Parlor, it feels somewhat wrong, however in the end is totally gratifying. I read a good chunk of this improv book written by London people. Pretty interesting stuff. It basically talked about shortform and longform wars (I smell Tupac and Biggie part 2) and the differences between Del Close and Keith Johnstone. While I was reading,  I realized I was sitting directly under where Artie was signing books. I was listening to him interact with his fans. That man seems highly depressed. No wonder he’s on heroine all the time. He was phoning it in so badly, The New York Mets would have thought he was uninspiring.

Finally, onto the most important thing I’ve learned about Barnes and Noble. The women are bone-a-ble! We are talking the type of women who would make you want to rob a Home Depot just so you could catch a blumpkin.  What makes these women even hotter is that they wouldn’t do that sort of thing. They’re intellectuals.

Which brought me to a sketch idea. Two guys get dressed up, pre-game some shots of tequila, and get ready to hit on some chicks, at (you guessed it) Barnes and Noble. They show up obviously drunk and in club attire, and they proceed to skeevily hit on women with book innuendo. It ends with one of the guys puking all over a woman trying to read a book. I just would find that funny.

My one question is, Who wants to hang out at Barnes and Noble tomorrow night?

Fragileis: a primer for new slang

Lesson 1  “Shatner”

shatner:

1 (n.) a shitty situation (ie ‘this party is pretty shatner’)

2 (adj.) descriptive term used when dealing with a douche bag (ie ‘man your dad is so shatner’)

note: the  exact situations and persons which can be labeled as shatner is very broad and over usage is encouraged as much as possible.  anything, anyone, or anytime that is shitty is shatner and shatner is anything, anyone, or anytime that is shitty.

HOWEVER this is not the case when referring to the man William Shatner or his career.  When referring to this Shatner you have one of two choices “Mr. William Shatner” or “Sir”.  nothing else will be able to represent the majesty of the man.  you know probably it’s better to just go with “sir”.

still it is safe to say that even Will himself would agree that his overall appearance in the above picture is pretty shatner, also the lighting is shatner. that shirt is fucking boss as hell though

tiger force forever

safety nets and stand outs: a reflection on the 2008 Richmond Improv Festival

the festival certainly taught us a lot.  I feel that the most valuable lessons are as follows

NOTE: the order of these lessons in no way signifies any importance or chronological significance. thank you   

1. we are not a good as we think but have potential

2. we are evolving as a troupe, it’s come time to face that fact.  

3. some of us are tightrope walkers while others are just safety nets

4. sheetz is the best gas station this side of the ‘james’!

5. we are anti-social

6. ray parker jr. was in the process of consuming a mountain of cocaine when he recorded the ‘ghostbusters’ theme song

7. the new fall comedy to watch will be ‘my hot daughter’

8. we learned ore about improv in this past week than we did in the past five years.

9. richmond, while kinda boring, is a pretty swell place. the people are a blast.  also waffle house.

10. jimmy is somehow better at making mixtapes than i am.  what the fuck!

now what follows is a list of stands form our trip.  most are people, some are objects.  the order is in descending from good to better to best.

10. girls in richmond that make us feel like we are at the 8th grade dance all over again. by that i mean making us feel awkward and socially inept inside. you know someone is special when you don’t know what to say back to them

9. chris from ‘hotlanta’ for making us unsure whether he liked us or hated us, though we are 99.9% sure he kinda liked us, but maybe didn’t like the cursing.

8. improv instructors that blow you’re fucking mind and show you that the road is just beginning.

7. ‘illegal refill’ for letting us smoke their hooka.  also for being from philly, show these rebels who really know how to throw revolutions.

6. ‘cuddles’ for showing us how useless eric stallings is as a team captain. 

5.girls in richmond that make us feel like we are at the 8th grade dance all over again. by that i mean making us feel awkward and socially inept inside. you know someone is special when you don’t know what to say back to them. but really did we stand a chance against girls with tattoos, monroes, lisps, or liberal arts/fine arts majors.  no we didn’t. but i swear to god we are actually interesting people.

4. vladamir for being the only waiter at waffle house who didn’t have a southern accent.  also for never bringing brown his order of grits.  

3. Bonnie Tyler for teaching us to believe even when up against all odds.  we needed a hero but we got a heroine  

2. Curtis for having the courage to acknowledge us in front of his co-workers as we walked into the hotel with four cases of beer.

and the most stand up of the stand up persons at RIF 2008 as judged by Death By Improv!

1. jesse for being the only person who truly liked our show.  also for being the only guy who probably could have gotten us pot/weed.  we salute you, wandering spirit!

stay frosty true believers

tiger force forever