Loitering, Dewey Decimal Systems, Fat Perverts…Total Nonfiction!

okay, maybe everything except the Dewey Decimal part. Being newly unemployed and in limbo, I have a lot of free time on my hands. Last night, my braindead (but lovable) friend Emil wanted me to take a ride with him to Clifton. Emil has only three things he cares about, The New York Giants, 50 Cent, and The Howard Stern Show. Pretty damn lame. Artie Lange, of Beer League, Boattrip, Supertwink Howard Stern Show fame, was going to be signing autographs there. Artie is promoting a new book. The fact that he’s promoting a book kind of shocks me. He doesn’t come off as completely eloquent. He is a fat, lazy, hooker-loving slob, his demographic is a bunch of fat, lazy, hooker-loving slobs as well. When will his dumb, primitive fans find time to learn to read? 24 hours goes by quick when your eating bananas, throwing feces at your friends, and yelling ba-ba-booey all the damn time!

Anyways, We arrived at the Barnes and Noble in Clifton at around 5:15. He was scheduled to be there around 6. Emil waited in line while I looked around. Barnes and Noble always makes me feel creepy. You can look around and loiter for a long time, and nobody seems to care. But you always kind of wonder if you’re being “that guy”, who just kind of looks at books and doesn’t buy. It’s Kind of like turning over for a happy ending at a Massage Parlor, it feels somewhat wrong, however in the end is totally gratifying. I read a good chunk of this improv book written by London people. Pretty interesting stuff. It basically talked about shortform and longform wars (I smell Tupac and Biggie part 2) and the differences between Del Close and Keith Johnstone. While I was reading,  I realized I was sitting directly under where Artie was signing books. I was listening to him interact with his fans. That man seems highly depressed. No wonder he’s on heroine all the time. He was phoning it in so badly, The New York Mets would have thought he was uninspiring.

Finally, onto the most important thing I’ve learned about Barnes and Noble. The women are bone-a-ble! We are talking the type of women who would make you want to rob a Home Depot just so you could catch a blumpkin.  What makes these women even hotter is that they wouldn’t do that sort of thing. They’re intellectuals.

Which brought me to a sketch idea. Two guys get dressed up, pre-game some shots of tequila, and get ready to hit on some chicks, at (you guessed it) Barnes and Noble. They show up obviously drunk and in club attire, and they proceed to skeevily hit on women with book innuendo. It ends with one of the guys puking all over a woman trying to read a book. I just would find that funny.

My one question is, Who wants to hang out at Barnes and Noble tomorrow night?

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