Well, after Thursday’s delicious thanksgiving feast that I enjoyed, I have officially climbed another 15 points on the BMI index. I feel like I’m a touchdown away from the Guinness Book of World Records. With the Holidays here, I’m pretty confident I can outweigh Yokozuna by Gainesville. So with my weight spiraling out of control, the only thing to keep me happy (besides food) is to completely corrupt and humiliate one of the most innocent seasons. I will pick one thing about The holiday/Holiday season that I completely despise.
For The First Day of Humbug, Your obese author gives to Thee…A Punk Kid Who Can Give a Shit less About The Pigeon Lady…
Home Alone 2, Lost in New York: Probably Should Have Been Renamed Home Alone 2, Kevin McCallister’s a Selfish Cockbag. That would have been a better title. Throughout the movie, Kevin proves that he is nothing but a selfish, little dick! He steals his dad’s credit card, and inconsiderately stays in a luxurious hotel. Once he’s in the hotel, Rob Schneider and the rest of the Hotel staff work hard to accommodate him. How does Kevin thank them, by putting in that lame gangster video and threatening to shoot them all! Joe Pesci should have took out his gun and did him like he did Spider from Goodfellas. That’s not the most disturbing part, however.
While homeless in New York City, there basically is only one person willing to help Kevin from being murdered by the wet bandits, The Good Samaritan Pigeon Lady. She offers to help at first, but once again showing he is the Devil, Kevin basically tells her to fuck off. Finally, when the wet bandits (or sticky bandits, as they preferred to be called, even though that obviously is a tad too pedofillic…no wonder they want Kevin so bad…perhaps I’ll save that for another blog) capture Kevin and are about finally give the punk the justice he deserves, who saves him..THE STINKY, CREEPY, BLUE COLLARED PIGEON LADY! How does she do this? By throwing bird seed on the sticky bandits faces and letting the pigeon/vultures eat their faces off. Kevin runs away unthankfully. How does Kevin reward Pigeon Lady…by saying thanks. THANKS? THAT’S IT KEVIN? THAT’S ALL YOU GOT? THIS LADY RISKED HER LIFE AND THE LIVES OF HER BELOVED PIGEONS AND YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A MONOLOGUE TELLING HER THAT YOU WERE SORRY FOR THINKING SHE WAS A EVIL, CREEPY, DISGUSTING, HOMELESS BIRD LADY? OR THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY LIFE??? Kevin McCallister, just because your parents don’t love you and are negligent, that doesn’t mean the world owes you something. The world owes you nothing, Kevin. I hope you get the gift you deserve, the gift of death. Preferably poisoning by a Tarantula, HUMBUG!!!!!!!!!!!!