The (Larry) King is dead, long live the (Larry) King

Larry King’s CNN show went off the air last week. It saddened me. Not because it’s sad to see a legendary broadcaster end his run gracefully. Hell no. If Larry wanted to end his career gracefully, he’d have hung up his suspenders fifteen years ago. No, Larry’s career ending saddened me because it means the end of what may be the funniest show on television.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Larry King is no comedian. In fact, I doubt he even can tell a joke. But goddman, was his show funny. And the comedy of Larry King Live stemmed entirely from the fact that Larry King is a confused, befuddled, out of touch old man. He referred to Ringo Starr as “George” six years after George Harrison died. He asked a professional skateboarder, “How important is the board?”. He asked Jerry Seinfeld why NBC cancelled his show. And, my personal favorite, he thought Roman Polanksi was behind the Sharon Tate murder.

Yes, Larry’s departure saddened me. But luckily, he hasn’t deserted us entirely. You see, in the spirit of his inane former USA Today column, his Twitter page lives on. Yes, you two can follow Larry on Twitter, where his handle is @kingsthings.

I love Larry’s Twitter for two reasons. One is his profile pic, which I’m convinced that this is the last thing you see before you die:

Watson! Come here! I need you!

Then, there’s the tweets themselves. As I said, they are very similar to his USA Today column. If you’re not familiar with his USA Today column, it was essentially a collection of one sentence observations about the most pointless shit imaginable. Picture Andy Rooney with ADD and you’ll get the gist. Most of them are simple plugs for his show, but the ones that aren’t are doozy. Now that he doesn’t have a show to plug, hopefully we’ll get more gems like this:

Wow. Just one week until Christmas! Have you finished your shopping? How many of you have even STARTED your shopping?

What’s your favorite Streisand song, album or movie?

When was the last time you saw someone using a pay phone?

Did you know Abraham Lincoln drove a Ford, and Henry Ford drove a Lincoln?

So are people doing their Halloween parties on Saturday or Sunday?

Guess who I saw at lunch today? Barry Bonds! He’s lost 25 pounds and looks fantastic.

Why is it when someone is sick, people say they’re “under the weather”? Explain.

Maybe I’m just a broken person, but I can’t get enough of this shit. I hope Larry lives to be a million.

Now, onto business, PLUG TIME. As Michelle mentioned in her post the other day, we are less than two months away from our trip to the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. We hope you consider checking us out if you’re in the North Carolina area in February. Or, if you’re right here in Jersey, or as I call it, “the Jerz” (or is it “Jers”? “Jurz”? “Jeuhfx“? I need to know), you can check out our monthly shows at the Main Street Theater at Garden Friends. Our next show is January 21, and we’ll be celebrating the birthday of our own Jimmy “The Prince of Peace” Morrison. Also, check out DBI’s own Chris Brown and his band Sun Puddles at McCormicks (266 Somerset St.) in New Brunswick on December 28. There’ll surely be other DBI members there, and certainly something funny will be said by one of us, particularly if we’ve been drinking. Also, stay tuned for more news on our Improv Class, taught by our own Mike Hochman, or “Doc Hoch” as we will insist the class call him.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and a cardboard Boxing Day.

Thinks that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would make a really jolly Santa

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