As I write this post, Death By Improv is approximately 3 weeks away from heading down to Chapel Hill for the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. I’m not going to lie-I’m really, really excited. As a relatively new member of DBI, I’m looking forward to popping my festival cherry with some of the funniest people I know.

That said, I’m very nervous about this trip. Not at the concept of performing in front of so many funny people. I’m actually fine with that (though I three weeks time I’ll most likely be shitting a brick). And, oddly enough, I’m not even nervous about the concept of sharing a hotel room with Eric (dude can cuddle like a mofo). My problem is this: I’m worried about the south rising again.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Mick, what are you talking about? It’s been 140 years! And, despite Charlie Daniels threats, the south has yet to do it again!”. And you’d be right-they haven’t. Yet. But I have reason to believe that the former confederacy is secretly building a fighting force the likes of which the world has never seen.

Pictured: Maj. General Hank Skokie

But what really scares me is the idea of being caught up in the conflict. I’m thinking that, should the Civil War start up again, I’d be pressed into service for the Confederacy if I was down there. Think about the first Civil War: a years long, bloody conflict that pitted brother against brother. I can’t deal with that. My brother is scary. One time he sat on my head and farted. And I don’t think refusing to fight is going to help me either, because the South knows how to seriously mess you up if you don’t go along with them. I mean, Jesus, have you seen Deliverance? Why would someone do such a thing to Ned Beatty?

I'll squeal like a piggie, Mr. Luthor!

I realize I need to walk a delicate line in order to prevent my being pressed into service for the Confederacy, yet not be attacked for being a dirty Yankee dog. To that end, I’m working on putting together my outfit to wear once I cross the Mason-Dixon Line. Here’s what I’m thinking:

-A collection of t-shirts that are vaguely southern but not overly so. I’m thinkning “I kinda like Garth Brooks”, or perhaps “Freedom isn’t free, but it’s currently a steal on Amazon.com’’.

-Cowboy boots painted to look like really high-top Chuck Taylors

-A ten-gallon baseball gap

-Jorts

I think, with this ensemble put together, I’m going to be just fine.

Now then, you have ONE LAST CHANCE to catch DBI before we get country fried: Friday, February 11, at the Main Street Theater at Garden Friends at 8pm! This is our President’s Day Blowout, so I’m prepared to make an offer you can’t refuse: anyone with wooden teeth gets in free! And don’t forget to check out DBI’s Improv Class, taught by our own Michael “The White Shadow” Hochman. Be there!

Mick
I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

In this world, there are three types of men: lions, horses, and dogs. They say that to go places in life, you need to follow three principles:

1. Feed the lions
2. Ride the horses
3. Shoot the dogs

However, a team of MIT physicists have discovered that there is a fourth group. Or rather, a man who is a group unto himself. This man rides the lions, shoots the horses, and plays kickball with so many Chihuahuas. This man eats lightning and craps thunder. Women love him, men want to be him. He is…

JIMBO SLICE.

While Jimmy’s true age and origin are still being researched, the anniversary of his discovery draws nigh, and Death By Improv is preparing to celebrate it. We plan on slaughtering goats and sacrificing virgins to please our great and terrible god.*

In between our godless, bloody rituals, we’re gonna do some funny improv. So check it out, this Friday, 8pm, at the Main Street Theater at Garden Friends! Also, check back here for more info on DBI’s first ever Improv Foundation Class.

*Will not actually happen.