Goodnight, sweet pants

Earlier this year I made a decision to start going to the gym. It was a long overdue decision, but I’m glad I’ve made it. Since the beginning of January, I’ve lost twenty five pounds, and I can’t remember the last time I felt as good as I do right now. The perks of working out are obvious: look better, feel better, wear corduroys without starting a fire. I have discovered, however, that there a few drawbacks to losing weight..

I have a favorite article of clothing: my Lee Signature Loose Boot Cut jeans. It’s next to impossible to find Loose Boot Cut Jeans. I love the fit but I can’t find them anywhere anymore. I’ve had my current pair for a couple of years now, and we’ve seen some good times (trips to New York to see shows at the Magnet and UCB, Ron and Fez, Pee Wee Herman, Cinematic Titanic on two separate occasions) and some bad times (I’ve worn them to several Met games). I wore them during what I feel is the best show I’ve ever been a part in as a member of DBI. I also wore them when I ate my balls so badly on stage that it was beyond belief. The are more than just a pair of jeans: they’re a confidant and a friend, and there will never be another pair like them.

The other day I was running errands in these jeans. I remember I was at a drug store, looking for hair gel. As I walked through the store, I noticed my pants were clearly looser than I remembered. Thinking nothing of it, I ventured deeper into the store. I turned the corner into the hair care aisle, just in time for these beloved pants to vacate my waist and find a new home somewhere about my knees. Luckily, there was no one in the aisle, and I was able to pull them back up before CVS’s goon squad could start breaking legs. The rest of my shopping trip was spend with a hand in my pocket, desperately holding the jeans in place.

Sadly, I now realize my beloved Lee Signature Boot Cut jeans are not for this world. I’ve decided to retire them. But not before they get one last run on the DBI stage. I’ll by wearing my old friend one last time on April 15 at our show at the Main Street Theater at Garden Friends. As always, show starts at 7:30 and it’s five bucks. Come out. Say goodbye to my pants as they go out in a blaze of glory. Though not a literal blaze. I’m not driving home pants less. Again.

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