Fantasy Football 2014

If you’re like me, you spend a lot of time looking through the magazine rack at the supermarket, reading about hot sex tips in Cosmo, checking out the review of the latest explosive shmup for XBox One in Electronic Gaming Monthly, finding out who the number 6 contender to the WWE World Championship is in Pro Wrestling Illustrated, and hoping against all logic that Shop Rite has decided to listen to your letters and started carrying Black Tail. But we’ve reached the time of year where the fantasy football preview magazines have come out, and it’s unanimous, you’re stupid if you don’t draft Jamaal Charles first, unless you listen to the one editor who says you should sell your family into slavery if it can land you LeSean McCoy.

Inevitably i end up buying one of these magazines every year, and it spends the 2 months prior to the season starting in a place of honor atop my toilet (where it will remain until several weeks after the Super Bowl, when I finally clean my bathroom and remove the magazine from underneath The Onion’s Our Dumb Century and America: The Book). I do this in the hopes of getting the edge over my competition, only to be beaten in the playoffs by the guy who forgot all about the draft and had his team selected by the computer. It never works, but if nothing else, it lets me feel like I know what I’m doing in the team selection phase.

What’s really needed, though, is a glossy, full color magazine that costs 7.99 that tells you how to name your team. I agonize over this more than the actual draft. I mentioned this in a post a few years ago that I’m sure nobody else also read, but I named my team “No Romo”, but I think I’ve learned the finest team names have nothing to do with football. Or really, nothing to do with anything. Last year, my team was The Strangers In The Alps, which, if you don’t know, is a reference to a hilarious TV edit of The Big Lebowski. I was confident this was the best name in the league, until I saw that DBI alumnus Chris Brown named his team the St. Burgermachine Wizards. I knew at that point there was no chance I’d win the league, or anything in life, really.

That’s why, this year, my team will be called Tom Waits Fantasy Camp.

Anyway, DBI news dump time. We unfortunately don’t have a show in our home base in July, but we’ll return to the Main Street Theatre Company at Garden Friends twice in August, August 1 and August 22, both at 8pm, and both for the low low price of 5.00. Also, DBI will be performing at the Coffee House Benefit Show on July 26 at the Edison Valley Playhouse. There will be sketch comedy from the Pavlovian Dog Show, and some other great acts that I don’t have info on at the moment. 8pm, 10 bucks, and it’s an awesome room if you haven’t been there before.

Lastly, while I enjoy fantasy football, Tim likes it more. He’s doing a CFL Fantasy League. 

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