An exciting episode of “I saved this as a draft two and a half years ago and found it enjoyable, why didn’t I hit publish” Theatre.

Hi, 2014 Mick here. I’ve been wanting to write more so this blog wasn’t so dead, but I’ve been fighting writers block since about 2004. So it’s an uphill battle. In looking for inspiration, I looked a some unpublished drafts I had on WordPress, and found this. I actually enjoyed it, and don’t know why I never published it. I figured I’d share it now, despite the fact that it’s several years out of date. 2014 Mick may appear in italics when he has something to add.

2012 is here, and, for at least another few months, so are we. The new year is here, the holidays are behind us, and we’re all substantially fatter*. (There should have been a joke at the bottom in reference to this asterisk. I never wrote it, and I have no idea what it was. Early 2012 Mick was in the best shape I’ve ever been in, and I am significantly fatter now, so if nothing else, this is accurate). I figured I’d share some of the lessons I’ve learned this holiday season.

First of all, until this Christmas, I’d never slept with an electric blanket before. I didn’t know what I was missing. I have a hard enough time being getting out of bed as it is, but with this thing, forget it, it’s like being back in the womb. (I’ve since moved, and still have the blanket, but couldn’t tell you where the cable I use to plug it in has gone. God, that was a great gift).

My favorite part of 2012 so far is Tim Norek running down the street being attacked with silly string and screaming “DON’T CHASE ME! I HAVE A MORTAR!”. ** (That was from a fairly epic New Year’s Party Tim threw. That may have been the party where we burned a four foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse doll and Tim told the police we were done shooting off fireworks while holding Mickey’s flaming feet. Also, there was supposed to be another joke at the bottom in reference to the double asterisk, but it’s also been lost to the mists of time. I’m a big fan of the see below joke, and I’ve used in multiple times).

More people travel with dogs over the holidays. I can’t stand when people do this. This disturbs me. I find them to be smelly, disgusting creatures. The dogs are even worse. (Ba dump bump!)

There are few things in this world funnier in this world than an eleven year old falling off of the top of a couch while attempting to plan (to plan? Must be a typo, I have no idea what my sister was doing on top of the couch now, though I do remember her falling. She wasn’t hurt. It was hilarious.), with the possible exception of a five year old playing with his trucks and yelling “OH SHIT!”.

I think I convinced my two year old niece that I actually tried to use her little pink training potty. Even at the age of two, when I tell her this, she knows to look at me like I’m a complete idiot. (She’s now five, and still does this).

We all love an Italian sub, right? Well, try this: get rid of the bread, put all the contents in a bowl, and cover it with mayo, and boom, sub salad. The best part is it’s a salad, so it’s good for you. (And I wonder why I got fat).

I firmly believe that the stigma of the holiday season being depressing was a myth, until I got books about by beloved New York Mets from two different people. After reading them, I wanted to lie down on train tracks. (Luckily, things have turned around for the Mets since then….oh god, I can’t lie to myself like this).

I want to dance like Victor Cruz. (Funny story, he used to score a lot of touchdowns at one point).

After twenty five years, I think I’m officially sick of A Christmas Story. Or, at least, I need a several year break. Except for the “Ovaltine? A crummy commercial! Son of a bitch!” scene, which I always laugh at. (Haven’t watched a Christmas Story since. Really not missing it).

There should’ve been something to end this little essay here. Something profound and deep, and not just a shameless plug for our next show, which is September 5 at the Main Street Theater Company in Parlin at 8pm for the low low price of five dollars. Or for our YouTube channel, youtube.com/deathbyimprov which now has countless hours of enjoyment, including our last Improv Foundations Class Show and the Monoscene. Luckily, I’m above such shameless pandering.

 

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29 thoughts on “An exciting episode of “I saved this as a draft two and a half years ago and found it enjoyable, why didn’t I hit publish” Theatre.

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